Yamini 00:14
They say it takes a community to raise a child with or without disabilities. We all have strengths and challenges every one of us. Yet we are not inclusive of children of special needs, or their parents as a society. To a large extent things are changing, yes. `But we still have to address a lot of issues concerning mothers, especially a mom of special needs kid. We’re still not living in that world yet, But we invited one such incredible mom who’s trying to change this on a grassroot level.
We recorded this episode on Mother’s Day and we are talking to Sabrina Picariello. She is the founder of Wayland moms Group, a crowd capital sites and moms have amazing kids of volunteer run community group in Massachusetts for moms raising children with medical, developmental and any other disabilities. What is their mission? It is to help moms connect with each other for emotional support and meaningful friendships. So please welcome Sabrina, thank you so much for coming to our show.
Sabrina 01:18
Thank you so much for having me. Yamini..
Yamini 01:20
Such a pleasure.Well, before we begin this conversation, I want to remind you of how we met at one of the social lives for moms that you organized at Conrad’s. So curious to know what got you to Wayland.
Sabrina 01:34
So I got married in 2011. That same week, we moved into our house in Wayland. I think I deserve a medal for that. So we moved to Wayland because we just thought it was a really beautiful town, obviously excellent school systems and we loved that it was so close to Boston, but yet, you know, right behind me are a bunch of cows living back on drumlin farm. So we’d loved that we could enjoy both the city and then that’s that’s really small town feel .
Yamini 02:01
I think every guest who comes on the show, they always often talk about the nature they’re surrounded with.
Sabrina 02:06
Yes, yes, I have lots of deer and I’m sure everybody’s got turkeys running around their yard.
Yamini 02:11
I have a bunch of raccoons sitting on the trees. You were working before you moved in here. Tell us a little bit about working at care.com.
Sabrina 02:21
Sure. So I joined care.com, I was almost fresh out of college and it was a startup company. I I’m not sure what number employer I was, I was probably like 20 or something like that.
Yamini 02:33
If you get the equity.
Sabrina 02:37
So it was a startup company. It was incredibly fast paced and you know, with the startup, you’re you’re kind of the jack of all trades, you’re kind of doing a little bit of everything. But I was focusing on marketing. So I was there for seven years, from startup to till they went public. So it was an incredible journey. I learned so much. I work at care.com and had incredible mentors, particularly women. So I had a lot of people that I looked up to and yeah, it helped me kind of take that stand.
Yamini 03:15
What ways did it help you navigate through these crowdsourcing and crowd collecting platforms?
Sabrina 03:21
So, again, because I did so much at care.com, I kind of had a little bit of that marketing experience, how to reach out to people how to get members. So right, actually, right before I left care.com, they acquired a group platform and I think actually, the WCPA was on there for a little bit. So I got to interact with a lot of mom groups. This is before I even had my daughter, I think it was even pregnant at the time. So I got to learn about what people were doing in mom groups and I thought it was it was pretty cool. So, you know, once I had my daughter, I kind of remembered about these groups and it kind of gave me a little bit of a push, like, Oh, hey, I could do this too.
Yamini 04:07
So tell us more about groups Sabrina. How many are there.
Sabrina 04:12
So the umbrella is moms have amazing kids. So we have a moms group. That’s called the Mack moms and it’s strictly for mothers raising children with disabilities. Any disability any age, we just the one thing I requires that buddy that comes in, they are non judgmental, and they’re incredibly supportive.
The other group that I started, I think a two years ago is called together we play. It’s an inclusive playgroup. So this is this is open to anybody. Whether you have a child with a disability or not, you know, any cultural background, anyone that wants to come and play and be inclusive and just be welcoming and kind to one another how wonderful you Yeah, some of the other groups that we have are, let’s see. So there’s Mac families. and this, again is open to extended families of our Mac moms. So dads, grandmothers, aunts, you know, all different relatives, the other set of groups that I have our childcare groups, so to find a babysitter or nanny or a PCA, That’s how I found my sitter and she is amazing. She changed my seriously, she kind of changed my life, she gave me time away from home to regroup and have a little bit of a quiet in my mind and grab a coffee. So that’s been really helpful.
Yamini 05:41
Well, that’s much needed. So we know while the concern of caring for children with special needs, affects both the parents, that’s all on careers tend to be more pronounced for mothers. What does support mean for moms have amazing kids? What do you think it is,
Sabrina 05:57
I guess what I always say, when especially like about a mom, that comes to me that your child is newly diagnosed, and I tell them find support. What that means is find people to be part of your tribe? Find people that are going to understand the challenges, but also the joys of raising your child. You know, I think people go through a grief process, sometimes, you know, when they’re when their child is diagnosed But that doesn’t mean it’s sad. There’s so many amazing things about our kids and so you want to you want to surround yourself with people that understand you that know what you’re going through. But that are also going to uplift you and help you see the positive side, I see. But be real to, you know, we’re not going to it’s going to sugarcoat everything. The other thing is resources. So there’s an endless amount of resources out there. But it’s often difficult to locate them.
Yamini 07:02
Absolutely, I think I think it’s so important to be connected with a group where you know, you can find these resources, moms know the best, I’m telling you,
Sabrina 07:10
We know everything. But it takes time, you know, especially when your child is first diagnosed, you’re kind of in the weeds, you’re at doctor’s appointments, and it’s kind of it’s really difficult and overwhelming to understand everything that’s out there to support you. So our group is tremendous when it comes to providing these wars resources for one another and then the other thing that I say about our group and why it’s so supportive, is that it helps you find a little bit of balance in your life and for me personally, because I am organizing this these events that kind of, I have no choice I have to go. So I can’t really make an excuse But once you’re there, you are so glad that you got out of the house.
Yamini 07:53
Yeah.It’s always like, you know, it’s the threshold, you have to just cross that and you feel very comfortable.
Sabrina 07:57
Exactly and it’s so important. It really is to find time for yourself, to have conversations, real life conversations with one another, to laugh, to share stories and in to talk about stuff outside of special needs. Like you know, first and foremost, we’re women. Oh, my God, you know, we’re we’re moms, not everything is about the kids and I will say that that is an amazing part of our group But it’s also important to do that with your friends that don’t have children that have disabilities, because it kind of, you know, forces you to talk about other things, and take your mind off of some of the challenges that you are to that.
Yamini 08:45
You know, every phase of life, we’re actually talking about our own phases. Like we don’t go out of that comfort zone and we speak about what’s the movie now? Did you did you listen to that podcast at Met Gala? Do you see Lady Gaga Dress?
Sabrina 08:58
Oh my Lord. I saw it.
Yamini 09:01
But Sabrina, what was the motivation behind making and getting into, you know,these crowdsourcing platforms?
Sabrina 09:09
So my daughter, so we noticed that something was going on developmentally. I noticed when she was around four months old, nobody really believed me. She was you know, every kid develops at a different stage. So this was all kind of building up right before she got diagnosed when she was to around two years old. I felt this desperation to talk to other people that understood what I was going to going through it you feel very isolated. It’s scary and you you just want to talk to other people that have gone through it or going through it so that you know, okay, this person has done this. I can do it too. It’s kind of that just that affirmation.
Yamini 09:56
It’s not the same situation at least a similar.
Sabrina 09:58
Exactly, exactly and for me, personally, my daughter has a very rare condition. So there was no way I was going to find anyone that was dealing, specifically what we were dealing with So I actually did look for various support groups around So there so I found some. So there, they were either very specific to the diagnosis, which we did not have, or they were consisted of sitting around, going around talking about our feelings, you know, what you think about as as a support group, which is great. I think that’s important that you should have that But, you know, I wasn’t getting out of the house a lot. So when I got out of the house, I wanted to have fun. That’s why I think moms have amazing kids is so unique, is that we are special needs moms, but we like to have fun.
We go out and we have dinner, we have drinks, we meet for coffee, we, you know, take fun classes, paint night, chocolate and wine tasting. We did a pasta making class, we we have work workshops to on different subjects. So yeah, I think that’s, that’s incredible. Yeah, it’s, it’s fun, at least when you come home, you can feel satisfied and you connected with somebody else, you kind of you are vulnerable, you made that connection, and you had a little bit of fun.
Yamini 11:23
Given that they have to cater to a special need kids. I think it adds on so much for mom, and talking about that There are countries in fact, this happens everywhere, where spouses leave, and especially kid is raised by single parent, what would a support look like? As a friend ? You know,if someone is single parent, but has especially because you know, as a friends, I’m sure many people are not equipped with the knowledge and the resources,what would you suggest?
Sabrina 11:52
Right. So I guess for for a single mother that is raising a child with a disability, it’s obviously important to understand what resources you have available, particularly financially. But as a friend, and I think this goes for anyone, even if your friend is married, or is in a relationship, there are so many ways that you can support a friend. Just just being there and you know, having an open conversation with them, offering your help and not just saying, oh, let me know if I can help you with this, offer specific things, ways that you can help, right offer to watch the kid for it. So the mom can go out for a little bit because she probably can’t get out of the house very often or she can’t afford to pay a babysitter so that she can get out of the house.
Sabrina 12:48
So that that’s that’s foremost, probably the most important thing you can do. But also, if you’re a mother yourself, bring your kids along, you know, because who knows how many opportunities their child gets to be around other kids and to really form those friendships. So I think it’s, that’s a wonderful way to help that mother feel comfortable with her child and your child and form those friendships.
Yamini 13:14
So hold that thought, Sabrina. You’re asking moms to bring their kids and these kids have very different special needs. Have you seen friendships being forged between the kids, irrespective of what they’re going through or what their needs are?
Sabrina 13:30
I think so, in addition to I didn’t really talk about this too much But in addition to the events that I organized for our mothers, I also have playdates that I organize. Outside of together we play which is our inclusive playgroup. We have exclusive playdates just for our Mac kids. So we meet at the local gym or like a gym time or the playground and it’s a great way for the kids to play with one another in a comfortable setting where nobody’s judging. You know, their environment is comfortable and I’ve definitely, you know, with my own daughter, and I’ve heard from other people, particularly even I think I remember a story of a young teenage girl going to a pool party that one of our Mac moms hosted and she came home and she said, for the first time I actually felt comfortable being around people and just being myself.
Yamini 14:32
That’s incredible. I’m so happy to hear that. `So this brings me to the next question, Sabrina, you and I live in this world, which is full of good people, but also ignorance, rudeness and discrimination. How do you think one can support a parent dealing with this publicly?
Sabrina 14:51
So, I’ll address two things. So if you’re out in public and you see a child that may appear differently or is acting differently in your with your own kid, as you said, don’t walk away Look, Smile, say helllo, you know, there are people there just like you and I, there’s nothing they want more than to be acknowledged and respected and just say hi. So that’s really important for me as a mother from going out and people are acknowledging us. It It means a lot. It’s just respectful as a human being, you know, just just look Say hi, start a conversation. It’s just, it’s just kindness. Really, you know!
Yamini 15:43
That’s so true, Sabrina, I’m at a loss of words every now when sometimes a situation happens in an airplane and this happens with all the mothers, I believe, our child is having a meltdown. I don’t know what to do next. Also, I see frowns and unhappy faces, which is unacceptable. Because there is a mom who’s struggling with the kid. Clearly, she’s not able to get out of that situation. So in such a case, I’m usually a spectator and I would like to know, what can I do to you know, soothe her?
Sabrina 16:14
Sure and it’s hard for me to speak to everyone because I’ve spoken to so many mothers about this, and everyone kind of has a different opinion about it. I think it’s always nice to offer some help. Is there anything I can do? Yeah, just a simple question. Is there anything I can do? Yeah. See, ask if you can help them. You may get a response. Yes, please, can you do this? No. You may get an angry and angry No, because they’re just so stressed out in the moment. But it’s just because it’s a stressful moment, especially if you’re in public, and people are watching. You’re just trying to make your kid feel better.
Sabrina 16:56
So I think it’s great to offer help. I think I think you just need to look at what the circumstances are. I don’t think there’s any harm in offering help. If somebody says no, hey, at least you offered and just fine. Yeah, absolutely. you know, even just saying, hey, you’re doing a great job. I get it. It’s hard. You’re doing a great job. Those encouraging words that it really is, it’s encouraging, and it makes it feel a little bit better, you know, right.
Yamini 17:25
I think you’re handling everything with such amazing strength and courage, Sabrina and channeling your creativity and sensitivity into making mom’s life a bit more livable, and shareable. It’s so cool, Amy, I can’t even begin to tell you how cool I thought this was. Tell us about your visit here.
Sabrina 17:44
So as I said, moms have amazing kids is about the support, the balance, the resources, like those are so important and the vision is getting people together face to face, you know, maybe one day going nonprofit and, you know, raising money so that people can get out of the house that normally can’t because they can’t hire a babysitter. Providing childcare, I think it’s so important to have that face to face interaction. I think if when I really nail it down, I really want to reach the mothers whose kids were just diagnosed.
Yamini 18:27
I know that’s like the toughest part of your journey towards addressing your issues.
Sabrina 18:32
it is it is an every you know, I hate to speak for everyone but you know, everybody goes through something different But I spoken to enough moms to know that it’s difficult. You have a lot of emotions that go through you and you know, sometimes you feel like it’s the end of the world. You know, and it’s not, your you can live a beautiful life with your child because your child is yours. There’s nothing different about your child, you’re going to love them the same no matter what.
Sabrina 19:04
So being around other people that are positive and that are sending you these messages kind of helps you get there. I always say people always ask what can I what do you what advice do you give? There is no shortcut. There isn’t your to get to that moment when you’re like, Oh, I’m like totally fine with I’m fine like this, I am accepting of our situation and there’s no shortcut. You need to go through these experiences yourself But again, putting these things in place these supports are really going to help you and the biggest advice I can give anyone is to be around positive people.
Yamini 19:52
Yes, you do.
Sabrina 19:54
I’ve joined a lot of Facebook groups and if I can swear here, but it’s just it’s kind of a lot of bitching the pitch fast and I that’s not what I wanted for moms have amazing kids , you can ask probably almost all of my members, hopefully, all of them, moms have amazing kids is an incredibly supportive group. We’re not going to judge you. We’re gonna give you whatever advice we have and we’re just gonna, you know, you got this, we always say you’ve got, or if things are just really difficult and you don’t have the words or you don’t know, the answer, we just say, hugs. Really just hugs from sending you a hug. If it helps you it, it feels good. It feels good. It’s really good.
Yamini 20:43
Yes. I think any mom would want to hear that.
Sabrina 20:48
Right. Exactly, exactly.
Yamini 20:50
We all have strengths and challenges I like I said in the beginning of the episode, but none of us are ready to like have an all inclusive world. So there’s Marisa school and everything happening around mag moms and all these groups and then your life with your spouse. That’s, I’m sure you know, now for me, I feel like you know, I think I’ve given up I’ve had a babysitter for like three years of my having me and now I feel like you know, I should have done this much before But I have a very wonderful husband. Okay, getting back to the question. I can go on it’s a Mother’s Day, no more talking about. So it really inspires me how you’re handling everything around you. How do you do it?
Sabrina 21:36
You’re very sweet. Everybody always says, I’ve got you know, I’m doing all these things. How do you do it? You always have everything put together.
Yamini 21:46
Because, everybody wants to know what’s happening? Because I’m like, there has to be a structured way of dealing with this So I’m sorry, darling. There’s not.
Sabrina 21:57
If you come into my home, and you see the day to day, I don’t have my stuff together. There’s a pile of dishes on the counter, right? Oh, forget the laundry.
Yamini 22:07
Yeah. Hey,what do you hate boss dishes?
Sabrina 22:09
Oh, definitely dishes.
Yamini 22:10
This is a dummy. How do you do this? Like, what are the union’s.
Sabrina 22:14
No, no, there’s no secret. There are no tips. It’s, it’s just taking it day to day. Okay. Okay. I’ll think of some tips here. You need to find time for yourself, right? If you don’t do that, you are going to explode Or you’re just, you’re going to fail I’ve been there many times. I’ve had a lot of difficult times, for sure, sure. Especially when my daughter’s needs are more or more needed. But you know, when we’re kind of smooth gliding, then I’m able to carve out some time for myself and more recently, I’ve started I guess you could say mindfulness breathing.
Sabrina 22:59
Okay.
I’m totally on board.
Sabrina 23:03
It’s kind of it’s really interesting. So I’ve been doing a lot of deep breathing. I think it’s like, I don’t know if you’ve heard of the 4-7-8 breathing technique? So you breathe in for four seconds, you hold it for seven seconds, and then you let it out for eight seconds. I think you do it maybe three times in one time.
Yamini 23:25
There is something similar in Yoga, that’s called ‘Anulom-Vilom’.
Sabrina 23:27
Okay, so it’s really interesting. So you practice this, right? and the more you practice it, the better you get at it. So that when you are in a moment of crisis, it’s more, it almost comes more naturally to do this. it come it lowers your heart rate, and it kind of calms you down and it’s kind of really interesting. So my daughter started school recently. It’s the first time I’ve had time for myself every day and I started going to the gym.
Yamini 23:53
Oh, my Godness, Wow.
Sabrina 23:54
I started running. okay, I have not been to the gym in five years. Don’t even ask me. When was the last time I ran? I got on that treadmill. I ran two and a half miles. The first time I did not have any trouble breathing. It’s really, I think, a wonder I think that practicing that breathing kind of helped me get through running for two and a half miles when I haven’t done it for like 10 years.
Yamini 24:18
Getting back to gym is actually actually helped me get out of my postpartum anxiety. Right. I suffered from it and I it was undiagnosed for a long stretch of time. So I think Gyming was the best thing that could happen to me and I’m so thankful to my husband coming to that. Next question. How’s the spousal unit? Like? Talk about husband’s here now?
Sabrina 24:42
Well, you know, it’s, it’s been difficult. I’m not gonna lie, especially when my daughter was first diagnosed. Each person goes through their emotions differently and just because my husband and I were married didn’t mean that we experienced those emotions the same and It’s kind of funny, like I would have a good day would have a high and he would be struggling. Then the next day would be the opposite.
So we kind of carried each other through that, but I think it’s really important to carve out time for one another and sometimes it’s just really difficult to do that, you know? There, I always say there are seasons of seasons of when things are going really well and you can focus on these things.Then, there are other seasons where you’re just grinding at it, you know, and it’s, it’s kind of hard to make time for one another
Yamini 25:36
So when the babysitter is in how’re the date nights spent?
Sabrina 25:39
Very rare date nights that we have.
Yamini 25:42
I think I had only two in the past three years.
Sabrina 25:45
Yeah, that sounds great. Right? You know, we’ll go out to dinner and we’ll kind of sit there and look at each other and be like, Oh, my God, it’s so weird.
What are we talking about?
Yamini 25:58
You Just broke my heart. All right. So here we are at the rapid fire round and this is a round that has questions about your favorites. So you can take your time, but it would be better if you answer them quickly.
All right, here we go. First question. So your favorite hangout in Wayland?
Sabrina 26:17
Pinera?
Yamini 26:19
Really?
Sabrina 26:19
Don’t laugh, but Okay, maybe it’s not my favorite, but it’s the one I frequent the most. Okay, because my babysitter comes in the afternoon and you can just go there it’s just easy to go there with your laptop just sit and relax. But really, it’s anywhere that kind of serves alcohol. It’s probably my favorite and probably the local.
Yamini 26:41
Do you have a nickname Sabrina?
Sabrina 26:42
People call me Sabs. That goes way back to high school.
Yamini 26:47
Your proudest moment?
Sabrina 26:49
When I had my daughter, has to be that. I mean, it’s the same with so many moms.
Sabrina 26:57
Your current favourite show on Netflix or anything that you’re watching?
Sabrina 27:00
Oh, gosh, I just finished dead to me on Netflix, was okay, was pretty good. I guess my favorite. I don’t think it’s on Netflix. But it’s called I’m sorry.
Yamini 27:11
Where is it?
Sabrina 27:12
I don’t know what channel it’s on. It’s really funny. It’s about a mom. She’s raising her daughter with her husband and it’s just it’s a really light hearted funny show. Her daughter asks a lot of uncomfortable questions and she navigates how to answer them, truthfully, but it’s just very uncomfortable. But oh, very funny.
Yamini 27:34
We will log that in. Your current favorite book?
Sabrina 27:38
Oh, gosh. These favorite questions are very hard for me. I’m so indecisive.
Yamini 27:43
Over the books anybody will be. I don’t know if I finished more than two books in the past one year.
Sabrina 27:49
I have not read any books for enjoyment in a while. But I did just finish Bernie browns. The gifts of imperfection which I really love to me.
Yamini 27:59
Is it a fiction?
Sabrina 27:59
It’s like self help. You should look her up. You’ll love her. She just she did a popular TED Talk and she has a new Netflix special. You should watch too.
Oh, we have another one too, though. Okay, can I answer? Yes. I’m difficult, I know. I just discovered this woman. Her name is Shasta Nelson. She wrote two books on frientimacy, which is intimacy with friendships, which is very interesting and I took them because of my group because I want to help form more bonding. I actually took a course with her online. She’s amazing, look her up. It’s I will. It’s very insightful.
All right. All right. Okay. Your favorite mindfulness activity you just told us. But your favorite mindfulness activity will be the breathing thing that you said. Anything else? You know what? I clean my house. That counts as like, mindfulness. My mind is absolutely focused on cleaning and getting things arranged.
Yeah, I do that too, especially when I’m stressed out.
Yamini 29:04
What does self care looks like to you?
Sabrina 29:07
That’s a difficult question. I used to think it was going to get a Manny and Patty. That kind of stuff, which is really nice But it doesn’t really sustain you.
Yamini 29:17
Doesn’t last long!
Sabrina 29:18
Right. So self care is are things you do every day, that help you with your stress levels, and just give you a little bit of peace even for just a few moments.
Yamini 29:33
Guess what this rapid fire round might look trivial to people but it brings out so much insight and I was so happy we have those questions. Cities you would love to explore.
Sabrina 29:44
Oh gosh, Any city in Italy. I love Italy. I’ve actually been but I would love to go back and explore Florence and Rome.
Yamini 29:54
Okay, things you could do if you were brave?
Sabrina 29:56
Probably give a talk. give a speech. I would love to reach more people at one time, but I’m so freak of public speaking.
Yamini 30:09
Favorite place to escape?
Sabrina 30:11
The bathroom?
Yamini 30:14
Don’t tell me you have to shut the door on the bathroom.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Yes. I think most of my friends and my family knows that if I’m talking to them, I’m talking from the washroom.
That’s okay.
Sabrina 30:28
It’s the most frequent place that I escape but I don’t know if it’s my favorite. I guess my favorite, just walking outside and going for a walk. I live right near drumlin farm and I love to walk around those roads.
Yamini 30:42
Nice. With the weekend and well I had such a great time talking to you. I learned a lot and I’m expecting our listeners did too.
The support of other people unconditional acceptance, or non judgmental space where moms have amazing kids. In fact parents of amazing kids can live and breathe in. So we know you’re creating a possibility in this world to make it better and inclusive world thank you so much for all that you do you know let’s sip some wine and celebrate Mother’s Day.
Sabrina 31:12
Thank you so much for having me. Happy Mother’s Day.
Yamini 31:15
Mother’s Day everybody.
Hello listeners I hope you enjoy this episode. Stay tuned for the next episode, it’s going to be so much fun. Also, do not forget to leave a review on the Apple podcast if you’re on iPhone or any other app you’re listening to this podcast on.
Don’t forget to tune in for the next episode. This is Yamini your host and you will listening to Women of Wayland – The Podcast.